Oh man… I had tears in my eyes by the end I was laughing so hard…
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Not having money does great things to me… it realigns my senses, makes me appreciate things more. Makes me a “more effecient member of this society” (read: I’ve been selling CD’s that I haven’t been listening to on eBay). My room feels pleasantly empty… Room to breathe, room to think. And it’s not just lack of Lu’s pictures on my wall that clears my mind – it’s a complete change of my room from cluttered to organize, even if minimalistic. It’s interesting that I can blog about Lu – she doesn’t read English very well and it’s highly unlikely she would come accross this blog… which gives me a strange sense of being able to be honest without fear of hurting her feelings… and if she does read this, which would not be altogether bad, because she would have to accept this as my thoughts without judging me. As for merits to myself, this blog is priceless – my thoughts seem to aqcuire this strange crystal-like quality when I am forced to express them… a bit depressing that it would take a medium as ineffecient as this one to bring clarity… in a couple of decades self-expression will hopefully dramatically change with written form looking like counting on an abacus…
Anyway, Lu just called. She seems convinced that I am cheating on her. Absolutely convinced. And it’s very considerate of her to say stuff to the tune of “I know you are at some girl’s place, I still want to see you.” but it really is starting to get old. Cause if we are dating openly, then we are dating openly. If we are not, then we are not. I am under the impression that we are not. Yet it seems she wants me to play the game of lying for her sake, which is not something I am interested in doing… at least not until I know the rules to this game, if it is indeed a game.
Just did the cold bucket… sitting in the darkness of my room… typing half-blind… listening to Bach… thinking about her… life seems perfect right now… calm, peaceful. Bach’s at the same time mechanical and alive in an un-pretentious way that needs no excuse. It just is.
In this sanctuary I think I realized why I behave the way I do. She is beautiful… inside and out. Many people are… but, I am looking for affirmation that my love for her is for her self and not for her beauty. That her love for me is for me as a person, not me as a man. Had dinner with Ling today… she said there is a fundamental difference between the Western and Eastern ways of thought. The Easter way is, when you are single, you walk into a forest and you choose a tree. It might not be perfect, but you chose it. And you sit down next to that tree – it’s now yours.
In the West, she said, people walk up to many trees and eventually make a choice… I don’t think so. I think we walk around the forest, we touch trees, we talk to them, and at some point in time, for no reason really whatsoever, we realize that this tree is mine. It might seem the wrong height, the wrong texture, its roots might be going in all sorts of directions, but it’s mine. There is a current underneath the shallow surface – a powerful current that we can not change. My being with Lu might be misconstrued in a myriad of ways… I could be twisted into a selfish monster or a good friend… be that as it may, I am just me. Right now I sit here and I miss her. In a very simple, warm way. Perhaps I am trapped in a maze of my own making: is she the girl I miss? And if she is, will we be able to see each other through the thick veil of discomfort that might descend upon us given our past? It’s strange, I don’t crave her body, I don’t crave her touch… I do crave her mind. And when I don’t get it, I feel empty. Am I wrong to think in this manner?
The constant question that I ask myself is “Am I lying to her?” I don’t want to lie, but I feel that I’ve sheltered her sometimes from some of my thoughts that she would find hurtful. And at once I realize that such a foundation risks spiraling down into destruction, yet I can not bring myself to be completely honest for fear of losing her before I realize that she’s not for me.
I think the best way to explain my approach to relationships is this: I am not looking for a mate to procreate with, I am looking for a best friend who likes me because I am me and not because I happen to be a male. Consequently, I don’t want anybody to like me because I am good looking, because I have no money, or because I used to have a six-pack in high-school (ok, 5-pack… still, I was hot). I want to like (and be liked) simply because we are both cool. The moment one of us veers, the other understands. The moment one hurts, the other compensates for the pain.
Many seem to look at this from a different, far less romantic, angle. For instance, if a partner sleeps with someone else, people start pointing fingers rather than looking to the root of the problem: the situation is so f-ed up that the cheater would rather lie (ultimate pain) than adjust whatever is wrong. Given this logic I am starting to understand why guys cheat. There are two levels of cheating: fun and misery. If a guy is not happy with a girl, he might cheat on her. Then the problem is not only with the guy, but also with the girl. On the other hand, if a guy goes on a cruise and sees a cute gal, wants to fool around – what’s the harm in that so long as everyone is safe? (same goes in the other direction, btw)
I am finding myself in a curious position. I am dating a beautiful… no, a stunning woman. Good heart, a bit twisted in her perception of her surroundings, but I can’t blame her: with her looks and the bitter lack of respect for femininity that seems to permeate a large portion of NYC, I’d probably think the same way. Yet, even though she is perfect on paper, because we are still very distant in many ways and very different, I find myself doubting, wondering…
When we had a major crisis with our relationship, I hung out with a girl I liked and had a lot of respect for. Nothing much: dinner, looked at photos, tapped my inner dork at her request. Romantically nothing happened. But, if she was interested or if I was a bit more alpha-male, should I have said no? At that point it would not have been cheating because the relationship was at an all-time low (if you could call what we had a relationship). And if it happens now, do I lie? No, because that goes against everything I believe in with regard to relationships. Do I cheat and tell? Probably not, because that would hurt the girl I am dating and she would leave. Do I not do anything? Well, then, until my girl becomes my desired mate for life, I feel like I might be missing out. Yet, because I know that the girl would be hurt by such thoughts, I feel guilty simply thinking in this direction. Is this a perpetual dillemma faced by partners these days?
Off-topic: one of the things that struck me as interesting is that I’ve read somewhere that one of the things that may trigger love is “stuff” that is generated by our bodies during an orgasm. With that in mind it can explain why there is a dynamic:
1. Boy meets girl
2. They have sex (eventually). He has an orgasm, she usually doesn’t. She falls in love. He likes her, but less.
3. The rocky relationship begins – he still does not want to commit, she wants to be with him. Eventually things balance out, but not until both go through an ordeal… unless both are honest, which is terribly hard when you know that what you say might be misunderstood for hurtful.
Clarification on the last post: she should date, I should date does not include we should date each other necessarily.
I feel selfish. Like I am making decisions only for myself. And I don’t like it. Not bitching-and-moaning, just telling the truth. Had dinner with her yesterday, talked until late in the evening (overslept today, boss won’t be happy… well, I’ll be working from home until the next bus + they are not paying me enough to scrap my personal life 😛 ). The result is that I feel much calmer. Turns out we were both going nuts on Monday… as usual emotions seem to run in tandem.
I do feel like a case study for the wishy-washy jerk. At some point in the evening, there was a line “So you are asking me to be your girlfriend but want to date other girls?” complemented with an “Are you nuts?” look. How we managed to get to that sentence, don’t ask, but somehow it actually did flow from what was said previously. Smooth transition.
Well, in a way that is what I was asking for indirectly – an open relationship when we could date other people. Though ended up asking about that in a very indirect way, which makes sense: there is no way I could go straight to it cause I know how she feels about dating several people at the same time: “let me think… uhm… how about never?”
And I understand. I do think it’s a bit counterproductive to relationships, but I do love her and sacrificing dating (the purpose of which would be to make sure I am with the right person) is not really that big of a thing so long as I don’t develop a bad case of the upgrade syndrome. Which I don’t think will be the case given the nature of our relationship… at least if we don’t move too fast.
Anyway, given that I am out of commission for the time being on the physical romantic level, I think may be relaxed dating might be good. She moved out, I am calmer, our emotions evolved. Either that, or taking some time so that we could both date other people and then get back together if we still want to.
Hmm… something about all this is making me uneasy… perhaps it’s the fact that I am blogging about my personal life to whoever cares to read while I really should be working?
OK. After a day of chewing on my desk (Mary, you’re right, it doesn’t have enough fiber… still hungry), couple of thoughts on what worries me about my relationship with her:
1. She might like me because I am a nice guy. Am I a nice guy? No idea, but by comparison to her past, I think I am. Never, never do I want to be with a woman who likes me because she can’t find better. I don’t want to be anybody’s compromise any more than I want to compromise myself.
2. Staying with her if I am not right for her gets in the way of her meeting other men who may be better for her. Who might make her happy. Happier than I. Staying with her also gets in the way of finding my soul-mate (if she’s not the one).
3. We don’t connect on a certain level intellectually. We seem to think differently. She doesn’t get my jokes, we don’t seem to talk about anything in particular except work stuff. That’s not good.
4. I am overwhelmed by her hotness. Never thought beauty would get in the way, but I am having trouble drawing the line where my admiration for her neck-turning capability ends and love for her inner child begins. Who would have thought that beauty of all things would get in the way.
5. I generally follow my intuition, but that part of me has been bouncing like a squirrel on caffeine. And it’s very hard to be honest, while not hurting the person… cause no matter where my intuition bounces, I do still love her.
All in all, everything points to a wait-and-see strategy. She should date, I should date, and then we could realize that we are right for each other. Is this logic or another one of my mood swings?
I miss her so much. Right now, all that was wrong seems insignificant and all inside me turns inside out wanting to see her. Love. But then, what if I will flip again? It’s not fair to her. I’ve already done this to her once and she was really hurt. I was really hurt. Love sucks… I wish we could just date. Give it some time. May be things would work out. But that’s the selfishness in me talking… the fear of loneliness, the fear that I won’t meet someone nearly as cool as she is. After all, she is nothing short of awesome. So parting is the easiest way to minimize the pain… I hope… for her at least… Yet I feel powerless. Does anyone know how to deal with these situations?
Sleep. After sleep I should be better. This feeling is terrible… but, at the risk of making myself look better, it’s better than lying to her.