When someone applies for a free trial at JoVE, they get a request to verify their email. So, yesterday, I got the following email response to our verification from a character by the name of Terry:
Terry: GO FUCK YOURSELF
Nice… Did I screw up again? A wrong email sent out? And this guy is from a reputable institution… So the following conversation ensued:
Me: Wow dude, classy. Did we mess up with something or are you just using us as therapy?
Terry: Yeah sorry about that, our school is telling us not to confirm any emails from phish scammers, i thought u were one of them til i checked the Jove site.. my fault, sorry, i apologize
Me: LOL, no worries. I thought I screwed up something and made you angry. But the comment made my day. :) …
Awesome… a) I didn’t screw up and b) hate moment averted.
Yet again lesson for self – never jump to conclusions.
Speaking of jumping to conclusions, I noticed that I have trouble doing that when making decisions. I make fairly polar statements, yet, in my head, I am always questioning everything I say. What’s more interesting is that, quite often, immediately after I say something, my mind rejects whatever I just said – a sort of Heisenberg/Uncertainty principle: as soon as I observe my own thoughts, I change my mind. Feels like a mechanical process. Although, occasionally, it can completely derail me – I can’t trust what I think, I have to second-guess all conclusions that I make, no matter how sure I think I am of them.
At the same time, this has forced me to make decisions gradually, over time. But then, if confronted with new information, I seem unable to change direction quickly enough, which has caused me much grief over the last three weeks.
I think the way I respond to the world may seem infantile… Perhaps it is due to my fairly sheltered past. Yet, as things stand, I feel like I am very much in the observer’s seat able only to acknowledge thoughts as they pass rather than trigger or dismiss them. With this realization, fate takes on a whole new, sometimes cruel if misunderstood, meaning.
It seems to me that we are not in control of our thoughts – the way we interact with the world in our heads has been chiseled by years of evolution. There have been millions who have had their hearts broken, who felt fear, who were hungry, etc. and I am but a single unit after those millions with completely unoriginal thoughts. Every thought response I have is a response that has come about not quite randomly, but as a result of millions of people raking out the pathways in my head over years of evolution. At the same time, I remain me and their origin doesn’t invalidate what I feel.
Anyway, to end on a good note, some recent YouTube videos: