Taken

Liam Neelson, I am very disappointed in you.  I am convinced that the way the movie came about is as follows:

Step 1: Seth Rogen comes up with a parody full of clichés.

Step 2: Upon seeing the script, some douche from Hollywood falls in love with this “Springtime for Hitler” type script and decides to cast serious actors and make it a serious movie.

Step 3: Given that Schindler’s List was an awesome movie with an awesome dramatic actor Liam, Liam is pinned to the bathroom wall by some huge mafia guy who says “you WILL do this movie”.  Liam says yes, because he only knows one judo-chop self-defense move (to be seen in Taken later on numerous occasions).

Step 4: The douche producer or director or whatever the guy who hired the mafia to coerce Liam into this is sits Liam down and says:

“OK, you know the facial expression you had towards the end of Schindler’s List?  We want that.”

Liam: “Really? OK, I guess I could pull it off…”

“No no, you don’t understand.  This is what we want your expression to constantly.”

“Huh?”

“Exactly!  Like this…  nonstop… the entire movie… can you do a judo chop?  Yes, even as you do the judo chop.”

Step 5: As they realize that Seth really meant this skit for Robot Chicken (i.e. it was supposed to last 5 minutes at most), they need to extend the movie to whatever it unnecessarily became…  and the 5 hour (or so it felt) duration is attained, by taking every scene and artificially stretching it like you would bubble gum when you peel it off your shoe…  ok, bad analogy, but right sentiment.  Anyway, he tells his daughter that Europe is not safe at least 3 times, daughter cries that many times times 2, then you take the result and multiply it by 5 to get the number of times Liam suffers about his daughter not being there, not being safe, being potentially in danger, being abducted, being turned into a crack-addicted whore, being saved from a life as a crack addicted whore, etc.  Point being: Liam is very concerned.

There is, however, one redeeming scene to the movie…  when Liam first assaults one of the leads in his daughter’s abduction and then pansies out when the “lead” flees and jumps down onto a truck (Liam wusses out – WTF?) and then the lead proceeds to happily walk out into the middle of a road where he is promptly hit by a truck.  That was awesome.  I go back to that on a regular basis.  So does Haley.  It’s awesome.

Anyway, thank god it was a flop, or else Europe would have serious trouble attracting US tourists.  All in all, I think the producer made the right decision with the budget for the film.  I suspect they paid 20% for the action scenes and Liam, 5% to fill the rest of the movie, and 75% to some college kid saying to him “OK, we know the movie blows, but can you make it look super cool in the previous so that people like Nikita are suckered in?”  The kid lays off his joint with “You will pay me how much?  Consider it done.”  Kid, whoever you are, you will always have a job at JoVE – our experiments are probably more exciting than Taken, but still fall quite short of the impact we are seeking.  Help us out?

Anyway, avoid this movie unless you are high, you would like to demonstrate to some girl that you do know a bad non-chick-flick when you see it, or unless you are looking to have a Mystery Theater 3000 experience.

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