Monthly Archives: November 2005

Diary: analysis…

OK. After a day of chewing on my desk (Mary, you’re right, it doesn’t have enough fiber… still hungry), couple of thoughts on what worries me about my relationship with her:

1. She might like me because I am a nice guy. Am I a nice guy? No idea, but by comparison to her past, I think I am. Never, never do I want to be with a woman who likes me because she can’t find better. I don’t want to be anybody’s compromise any more than I want to compromise myself.

2. Staying with her if I am not right for her gets in the way of her meeting other men who may be better for her. Who might make her happy. Happier than I. Staying with her also gets in the way of finding my soul-mate (if she’s not the one).

3. We don’t connect on a certain level intellectually. We seem to think differently. She doesn’t get my jokes, we don’t seem to talk about anything in particular except work stuff. That’s not good.

4. I am overwhelmed by her hotness. Never thought beauty would get in the way, but I am having trouble drawing the line where my admiration for her neck-turning capability ends and love for her inner child begins. Who would have thought that beauty of all things would get in the way.

5. I generally follow my intuition, but that part of me has been bouncing like a squirrel on caffeine. And it’s very hard to be honest, while not hurting the person… cause no matter where my intuition bounces, I do still love her.

All in all, everything points to a wait-and-see strategy. She should date, I should date, and then we could realize that we are right for each other. Is this logic or another one of my mood swings?

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Diary: romantic hell…

I miss her so much. Right now, all that was wrong seems insignificant and all inside me turns inside out wanting to see her. Love. But then, what if I will flip again? It’s not fair to her. I’ve already done this to her once and she was really hurt. I was really hurt. Love sucks… I wish we could just date. Give it some time. May be things would work out. But that’s the selfishness in me talking… the fear of loneliness, the fear that I won’t meet someone nearly as cool as she is. After all, she is nothing short of awesome. So parting is the easiest way to minimize the pain… I hope… for her at least… Yet I feel powerless. Does anyone know how to deal with these situations?

Sleep. After sleep I should be better. This feeling is terrible… but, at the risk of making myself look better, it’s better than lying to her.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Diary: strong decisions…

OK. So I finally accepted it. I accepted that no matter what I try to make things better, I seem to make them worse… at least with my girl… or my ex rather… Anyway, today we parted ways again. Except this time we decided to cut until we can be friends. Stupid, hard, frustrating, but now seems like there is no other way. Or is there? I miss her… Let it be soon. I am a schmuck.


Filed under Uncategorized


GRRRRRRRRRR. Why can’t such frustrations make me productive instead of placing me solidly into an immutable sulking mood.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Rambling: girls…

When some people have heart-aches, they close up. When it happens to me, I whore myself out – I talk to any soul I respect who would listen. Overflow. As she would say “Explosion!” (before blasting out of bed into the bathroom).

I think she may be my first love. And I screwed it up. She’s perfect on paper. Except for the barriers between our brains, she is amazing. Won’t list all of her qualities because am not sure she’d want me to publicly, but let’s just say Tarantino would have trouble making up a woman like that for a movie. Simply said, she’s awesome.

We dated for a while. For a little while she was my girlfriend. Then I started my usual “mindfucking” routine when I am not sure if this is it. She needed a place to stay for a little while, so she crashed at my place until her lease opened up. It was great at first, but too fast, too soon. Ended up going through some hard times together. Had my first real ideological crisis, my first taste of real jealousy when, if she mentions Ryan, Eric, or Roberto one more time, I feel like pounding their heads through concrete walls. Anyway, got deflowered in a way. I lost something and gained something to replace it.

So what can I do if I love her, but don’t want to be with her seriously? Why can’t she understand the concept of friendship, the concept of good will regardless of romantic involvement? Why can’t I figure myself out enough to completely push her away or accept her? Because I am me. Because if something is wrong, something is wrong. It might become right eventually, but for now… yet when I say this to her, she trivializes me… “You just want to date around.”

Should not all things, including love, grow in tandem? If one needs space, should they not be given it? If the feelings are not on the same level, should they not adopt to meet somewhere half-way? Or one moving towards another? Why is the cliche way of “no contact” the best solution? Because we are not smart enough to deal with it otherwise perhaps.

But, because we are not smart, she is in a tight spot, and I can’t even help her. I want to help her. I love her. I care about her. I miss her. And yet I am shunned. Shunned because women want all or nothing?

Am I angry at her? No. Perhaps a bit disappointed that her view seems to me more infantile and desensitized… more that of a woman. I am angry at myself for not being smarter and for not being able to “figure it out”, to keep smooth sailing, to help her and not hurt her.

Anyway, right now my chest is about to explode. I don’t know what to do, what to think, how to act. The idea of her getting pissed drunk tonight, of making mistakes, of screwing herself up scares me shitless.

Ugh… why is it that even though we are “adults”, even though we are intelligent people, even though we love each other, we still end up causing each other so much pain. Or is this like a depression? Am I enjoying the role of a hurt lover and all this love is in my head? Scary just to think about it.

It is so frustrating… so stupid… makes me want to cry. And what scares me is that it’s more about me. What if I am just scared of being alone like I was before? Finally I found someone I worship, and now I am pushing myself into a lonely existence that I had before I met her… but I don’t want to be with someone simply because I am scared of being alone… Anyway, this is all excuses and I am an emotional knot.

Presumed facts:
1. I love her.
2. I can’t be WITH her at this point in time.
3. She loves me.
4. She can’t be next to me now if it’s not with me.

I don’t understand 4, but I have to accept it. Sometimes I feel the way we sometimes conduct relationships is a socially perpetuated disease – there doesn’t have to be so much drama if two people love each other.

Or may be I am full of shit… still, I miss her and her little mannerisms… “explosion”… “I won’t be angry… if you don’t do anything wrong”, “weeee”….

I am starting to understand why people drink. It all just doesn’t seem fair… doesn’t seem adult. And I am starting to question my own sanity and reason.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Musings: in the dark…

Again in the dark. Again eyes closed. Somehow I feel like this LJ thing has a therapeutic effect, even if confusing effect. For one thing, I constantly wonder whether I should post some stuff that is private… it’s private all right, but why would I not want you to know this? Because you’d judge me? Because sometimes it’s not up to me to divulge information?

Spent the evening with a friend of mine talking about her boyfriend and my ex. First evening hanging out after the official break-up with Lu… whom I really miss… she became so important to me I think… though not having other people around is very strange – I hate the idea of missing someone simply because there is a social void in my life. Is that why I miss her? Or perhaps I just got attached? I do get attached to people, but something is different here. And now I am torn between giving her a buzz to see if she’s ok, and keeping myself at bay because I am afraid that calling her would hurt her more than my being out of sight out of mind…

Perhaps all this is because I have too much time on my hands to think of all this. If there was some greater problem (and there are, I just remain oblivious), this would be pushed into the background – something I would remember on occasion when not spazzing over the problem at hand.

Anyway, I miss her, I worry about her, and it’s natural dammit. I never understood how couples can just tear themselves apart. What about the friendship? Though I’ve been wrong before, and may be wrong now. Wish there was some definitive answer to what I should do.

Well, 1 am. In the morning my head should clear up. Time for sleep…

Leave a comment

Filed under Musings

Musings: gym…

Feels so good. Just 15 minutes on a treadmill and some really really really minor lifting, and it feels like there is nothing that a some good old excercise can’t fix. At least when it’s in the head…

Men… women… still a mystery. I feel like I am perpetually walking along a fine line between loving and being selfish… between being honest and taking care not to break something so delicate, fragile… Unable to give what is asked of me, yet afraid of losing.

Yet again, I discover, that the whole male-female thing needs to have a well-written manual. Preferably MRI-backed studies that would measure pain and pleasure from different actions. There must be some pain-free way to move through a relationship without hurting other people, yet I seem to be completely oblivious.

Don’t get me wrong, unlike before, I am not crying for help here… I am just lamenting about our general lack of knowledge on these matters. For instance, if you can’t be with someone for whatever reason, the traditional response is walk away, let him/her go… but why? Is there nothing more to life than “relationships”? We don’t know how to deal with the situation, so we often take the sure way out – complete segregation. Otherwise, you have “pain”, “selfish”, etc. echoing in your ears.

I just can’t understand. I accept that I am not smart to control the situation most of the time, and hence I must accent this strategy, but I can’t understand its wisdom… it just seems so… inhuman… yet how can I do things so that I don’t hurt the people I love? Can we hurt who we love? Is it still love if they can be hurt by us?

And all this was written in the span of the last 8 minutes. Back to work… speaking of, anybody needs a second-rate programmer? I might be looking for a job soon.

Leave a comment

Filed under Musings

Musings: Writing blind….

I am starting to enjoy to type blind…. close my eyes, which seem to be sore from staring at the screen the entire day, relax the hands, assume the piano-curled-fingers position over the keyboard, and… now ifonly I had something of substance to say.

These last couple of months have put me through more of a turmoil than perhaps the past five years. Women, ailments, etc. etc. etc… anyway, feel like life is starting to slowly catch up to me. Scary.

Good news: now I can crank out personal sites like nobody’s business… part of So if you want, let me know. Also, put together a prototype for a site that would notify girls about the best course of action necessary to avoid pain due to their period cycle. Now all I have to do is find some nutrition/health experts. Or perhaps I should just open this site up and allow everyone to post different strategies that people could then rate? Anyway… if anyone has any ideas, especially on how to use this thing to bring in some financial interest so that I could actually spend my time on this, drop me a line.

Eyes tired. Gym membership cancelled… or is it? I think I may be living proof of what not excercising for 2 months can do to one’s body and immune system. Time to get my ass in gear.

Shoot, just realized that despite the title of this article, about 50% of it was written with my eyes open… Perhaps I should make writing blind a habit? Perhaps with my frogpad?

Leave a comment

Filed under Musings