When some people have heart-aches, they close up. When it happens to me, I whore myself out – I talk to any soul I respect who would listen. Overflow. As she would say “Explosion!” (before blasting out of bed into the bathroom).
I think she may be my first love. And I screwed it up. She’s perfect on paper. Except for the barriers between our brains, she is amazing. Won’t list all of her qualities because am not sure she’d want me to publicly, but let’s just say Tarantino would have trouble making up a woman like that for a movie. Simply said, she’s awesome.
We dated for a while. For a little while she was my girlfriend. Then I started my usual “mindfucking” routine when I am not sure if this is it. She needed a place to stay for a little while, so she crashed at my place until her lease opened up. It was great at first, but too fast, too soon. Ended up going through some hard times together. Had my first real ideological crisis, my first taste of real jealousy when, if she mentions Ryan, Eric, or Roberto one more time, I feel like pounding their heads through concrete walls. Anyway, got deflowered in a way. I lost something and gained something to replace it.
So what can I do if I love her, but don’t want to be with her seriously? Why can’t she understand the concept of friendship, the concept of good will regardless of romantic involvement? Why can’t I figure myself out enough to completely push her away or accept her? Because I am me. Because if something is wrong, something is wrong. It might become right eventually, but for now… yet when I say this to her, she trivializes me… “You just want to date around.”
Should not all things, including love, grow in tandem? If one needs space, should they not be given it? If the feelings are not on the same level, should they not adopt to meet somewhere half-way? Or one moving towards another? Why is the cliche way of “no contact” the best solution? Because we are not smart enough to deal with it otherwise perhaps.
But, because we are not smart, she is in a tight spot, and I can’t even help her. I want to help her. I love her. I care about her. I miss her. And yet I am shunned. Shunned because women want all or nothing?
Am I angry at her? No. Perhaps a bit disappointed that her view seems to me more infantile and desensitized… more that of a woman. I am angry at myself for not being smarter and for not being able to “figure it out”, to keep smooth sailing, to help her and not hurt her.
Anyway, right now my chest is about to explode. I don’t know what to do, what to think, how to act. The idea of her getting pissed drunk tonight, of making mistakes, of screwing herself up scares me shitless.
Ugh… why is it that even though we are “adults”, even though we are intelligent people, even though we love each other, we still end up causing each other so much pain. Or is this like a depression? Am I enjoying the role of a hurt lover and all this love is in my head? Scary just to think about it.
It is so frustrating… so stupid… makes me want to cry. And what scares me is that it’s more about me. What if I am just scared of being alone like I was before? Finally I found someone I worship, and now I am pushing myself into a lonely existence that I had before I met her… but I don’t want to be with someone simply because I am scared of being alone… Anyway, this is all excuses and I am an emotional knot.
1. I love her.
2. I can’t be WITH her at this point in time.
3. She loves me.
4. She can’t be next to me now if it’s not with me.
I don’t understand 4, but I have to accept it. Sometimes I feel the way we sometimes conduct relationships is a socially perpetuated disease – there doesn’t have to be so much drama if two people love each other.
Or may be I am full of shit… still, I miss her and her little mannerisms… “explosion”… “I won’t be angry… if you don’t do anything wrong”, “weeee”….
I am starting to understand why people drink. It all just doesn’t seem fair… doesn’t seem adult. And I am starting to question my own sanity and reason.