Diary: of men and women…

Well, Dashka came from Israel… haven’t seen her in… uhm… last time we saw each other was when we still lived in the crappy apartments, so that would be somewhere in the vicinity of 93… or did she come to visit when I lived on Enfield? Anyway… regardless, strangely feels like no time has passed at all… or perhaps it’s an assumed good will? Or illusion thereof?

She did have a very calming effect on my head with regard to Lu, though… made me realize I am trying too hard… Lu talked of breaking up with me yesterday… hell, I think she did break up with me, although I am not entirely sure, so am taking things slow. Ilya accused me of being a masochist… and, come to think of it, with good reason: many of my relationships ended up in similar situations… They want to be with me, I am not sure. I want to relax and find out letting things either heat up or cool down as they might. They want a direct yes/no answer. I start stressing over being unable to give a clear answer, they start stressing over not getting it, we all start stressing and at some point the fun is gone… and then it’s like trying to patch up a falling house of cards – the more we try, the worse things go. Like the Chinese finger trap – the harder you pull, the more it grips…

Although sitting here, letting Lu slip through my fingers, I want to yell “No, that’s wrong! If she’s gone, she might be gone forever!” followed by a proper tantrum beating my fists against the monitor… but if I pull, I might be the one to push… so I can only do one thing, offer my romantic monogamous friendship… or bf/gf relationship… or whatever, these definitions only confuse me: monogamous is fine. Bf/gf used to imply very serious intent in my mind. Now turns out it’s just two people enjoying each other’s company with the possibility of something serious…

Though, with Lu, there are other circumstances… I recently found out I am a proud owner of cold sores… nothing extraordinary (80% of people have them) and would not get in the way with anyone else, but Lu has a skin condition when she constantly itches… so I am terrified that if she gets this crap from me (and there is no cure as of yet), this could cause her health complications… not cool… so we haven’t properly kissed in ages, I am paranoid of touching her anywhere where, if I am contagious, it could infect her… I guess I should have a chat with my doctor…

Anyway, it looks like she’s going to ditch me… might even have an upgrade available… so long as we’re both happy in the long run… so hard to stand by the “what’s meant to be can’t be avoided” belief I’ve always held…

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