Just did the cold bucket… sitting in the darkness of my room… typing half-blind… listening to Bach… thinking about her… life seems perfect right now… calm, peaceful. Bach’s at the same time mechanical and alive in an un-pretentious way that needs no excuse. It just is.
In this sanctuary I think I realized why I behave the way I do. She is beautiful… inside and out. Many people are… but, I am looking for affirmation that my love for her is for her self and not for her beauty. That her love for me is for me as a person, not me as a man. Had dinner with Ling today… she said there is a fundamental difference between the Western and Eastern ways of thought. The Easter way is, when you are single, you walk into a forest and you choose a tree. It might not be perfect, but you chose it. And you sit down next to that tree – it’s now yours.
In the West, she said, people walk up to many trees and eventually make a choice… I don’t think so. I think we walk around the forest, we touch trees, we talk to them, and at some point in time, for no reason really whatsoever, we realize that this tree is mine. It might seem the wrong height, the wrong texture, its roots might be going in all sorts of directions, but it’s mine. There is a current underneath the shallow surface – a powerful current that we can not change. My being with Lu might be misconstrued in a myriad of ways… I could be twisted into a selfish monster or a good friend… be that as it may, I am just me. Right now I sit here and I miss her. In a very simple, warm way. Perhaps I am trapped in a maze of my own making: is she the girl I miss? And if she is, will we be able to see each other through the thick veil of discomfort that might descend upon us given our past? It’s strange, I don’t crave her body, I don’t crave her touch… I do crave her mind. And when I don’t get it, I feel empty. Am I wrong to think in this manner?
The constant question that I ask myself is “Am I lying to her?” I don’t want to lie, but I feel that I’ve sheltered her sometimes from some of my thoughts that she would find hurtful. And at once I realize that such a foundation risks spiraling down into destruction, yet I can not bring myself to be completely honest for fear of losing her before I realize that she’s not for me.