I think the best way to explain my approach to relationships is this: I am not looking for a mate to procreate with, I am looking for a best friend who likes me because I am me and not because I happen to be a male. Consequently, I don’t want anybody to like me because I am good looking, because I have no money, or because I used to have a six-pack in high-school (ok, 5-pack… still, I was hot). I want to like (and be liked) simply because we are both cool. The moment one of us veers, the other understands. The moment one hurts, the other compensates for the pain.
Many seem to look at this from a different, far less romantic, angle. For instance, if a partner sleeps with someone else, people start pointing fingers rather than looking to the root of the problem: the situation is so f-ed up that the cheater would rather lie (ultimate pain) than adjust whatever is wrong. Given this logic I am starting to understand why guys cheat. There are two levels of cheating: fun and misery. If a guy is not happy with a girl, he might cheat on her. Then the problem is not only with the guy, but also with the girl. On the other hand, if a guy goes on a cruise and sees a cute gal, wants to fool around – what’s the harm in that so long as everyone is safe? (same goes in the other direction, btw)
I am finding myself in a curious position. I am dating a beautiful… no, a stunning woman. Good heart, a bit twisted in her perception of her surroundings, but I can’t blame her: with her looks and the bitter lack of respect for femininity that seems to permeate a large portion of NYC, I’d probably think the same way. Yet, even though she is perfect on paper, because we are still very distant in many ways and very different, I find myself doubting, wondering…
When we had a major crisis with our relationship, I hung out with a girl I liked and had a lot of respect for. Nothing much: dinner, looked at photos, tapped my inner dork at her request. Romantically nothing happened. But, if she was interested or if I was a bit more alpha-male, should I have said no? At that point it would not have been cheating because the relationship was at an all-time low (if you could call what we had a relationship). And if it happens now, do I lie? No, because that goes against everything I believe in with regard to relationships. Do I cheat and tell? Probably not, because that would hurt the girl I am dating and she would leave. Do I not do anything? Well, then, until my girl becomes my desired mate for life, I feel like I might be missing out. Yet, because I know that the girl would be hurt by such thoughts, I feel guilty simply thinking in this direction. Is this a perpetual dillemma faced by partners these days?
Off-topic: one of the things that struck me as interesting is that I’ve read somewhere that one of the things that may trigger love is “stuff” that is generated by our bodies during an orgasm. With that in mind it can explain why there is a dynamic:
1. Boy meets girl
2. They have sex (eventually). He has an orgasm, she usually doesn’t. She falls in love. He likes her, but less.
3. The rocky relationship begins – he still does not want to commit, she wants to be with him. Eventually things balance out, but not until both go through an ordeal… unless both are honest, which is terribly hard when you know that what you say might be misunderstood for hurtful.