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Monthly Archives: November 2005
In addition to increasing comfort being a Chinese finger puzzle, I’ve realized something about myself and why I have such trouble with relationships: I must be sure of something to take a step. So if I am to enter a monogamous relationship, I have to be sure of it being right. But that’s half the trouble – the other half is far worse: ending the relationship, I have to be sure that ending it is the right thing to do. So it’s all mostly based on intuition…
Oh well… shower… walking Bishop at night is fun… strange… surreal a bit…
Money is a great stimulus… I am starting to understand why the rich fail… interesting to see the statistics of who succeeds. Highest probability of success: in need with education…
I feel… I feel like writing something random, I feel like not stopping and just rambling on because really I don’t have much to say as my hair needs a shave and I am just about to call this crap art but really I am not high in fact I don’t do drugs and it’s cool by me like the ice cube rolling down your stomach cause we all think about sex anyway but it’s overrated what the hell am I talking about?
Existential… beautiful… art, I tell you, pure, unadultrated art is what is above. Stand in front of it long enough and you’ll learn to appreciate the complexity of bullshit. Bullshit without commas. How can people produce so much of it? They close themselves in their little worlds, take buckets of paint, and then impose their genius self-expression upon an innocent canvas and an unsuspecting art-lover-wannabe strolling around in Chelsea. It’s not art. It’s psychology. Now there there can be something interesting… although, more often than not, it’s a process of improvisation – looking at art is like meeting someone beautiful, but incredibly stupid: the them (or the artist) not speak so that they don’t ruin the good first impression.
Speaking of impression, interesting thing: I’ve been impressed by Mad Money (www.madmoneyrecap.com) and been casually investing… lost some, won some. Net positive. At present am in CNC, MSFT, and NTRI. Why? Sigh… My, enough, no more rhyme:
CNC – Mad Money made sense, ended up buying on the low, made 30% or so
MSFT – gut feeling it will go up. Intuition. Giant MSFT at 27? Something strange.
NTRI – Mad Money, looks like can only go up. Plus the health craze is where things are going anyway.
He mentioned GOOG and YHOO in one sentence. One is 400 the other is 40… Thinking of switching out of MSFT and into YHOO.
I think the best advice I’ve ever read about the stock market is “Never try to turn a bad trade into a good one”. Got burned on IRBT – got in too late on the IPO, didn’t get out in time. Need to set up automatic thresholds with stocks like that…
Anyway, playing with this stuff is actually surprisingly fun. I’ve noticed that if I choose something because the idea sounds good + I think it’s the trend, more often than not, I end up being right. It’s like betting on trends… And if I can make some $ in the process? My life revolves around $ now. $ and women. $, women (or rather one woman, who’s been occupying my mind for the past week solid), and… of course debauchery manifesting in sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll… all the size of one cubicle.
Well, Dashka came from Israel… haven’t seen her in… uhm… last time we saw each other was when we still lived in the crappy apartments, so that would be somewhere in the vicinity of 93… or did she come to visit when I lived on Enfield? Anyway… regardless, strangely feels like no time has passed at all… or perhaps it’s an assumed good will? Or illusion thereof?
She did have a very calming effect on my head with regard to Lu, though… made me realize I am trying too hard… Lu talked of breaking up with me yesterday… hell, I think she did break up with me, although I am not entirely sure, so am taking things slow. Ilya accused me of being a masochist… and, come to think of it, with good reason: many of my relationships ended up in similar situations… They want to be with me, I am not sure. I want to relax and find out letting things either heat up or cool down as they might. They want a direct yes/no answer. I start stressing over being unable to give a clear answer, they start stressing over not getting it, we all start stressing and at some point the fun is gone… and then it’s like trying to patch up a falling house of cards – the more we try, the worse things go. Like the Chinese finger trap – the harder you pull, the more it grips…
Although sitting here, letting Lu slip through my fingers, I want to yell “No, that’s wrong! If she’s gone, she might be gone forever!” followed by a proper tantrum beating my fists against the monitor… but if I pull, I might be the one to push… so I can only do one thing, offer my romantic monogamous friendship… or bf/gf relationship… or whatever, these definitions only confuse me: monogamous is fine. Bf/gf used to imply very serious intent in my mind. Now turns out it’s just two people enjoying each other’s company with the possibility of something serious…
Though, with Lu, there are other circumstances… I recently found out I am a proud owner of cold sores… nothing extraordinary (80% of people have them) and would not get in the way with anyone else, but Lu has a skin condition when she constantly itches… so I am terrified that if she gets this crap from me (and there is no cure as of yet), this could cause her health complications… not cool… so we haven’t properly kissed in ages, I am paranoid of touching her anywhere where, if I am contagious, it could infect her… I guess I should have a chat with my doctor…
Anyway, it looks like she’s going to ditch me… might even have an upgrade available… so long as we’re both happy in the long run… so hard to stand by the “what’s meant to be can’t be avoided” belief I’ve always held…
Oh man… I had tears in my eyes by the end I was laughing so hard…
Not having money does great things to me… it realigns my senses, makes me appreciate things more. Makes me a “more effecient member of this society” (read: I’ve been selling CD’s that I haven’t been listening to on eBay). My room feels pleasantly empty… Room to breathe, room to think. And it’s not just lack of Lu’s pictures on my wall that clears my mind – it’s a complete change of my room from cluttered to organize, even if minimalistic. It’s interesting that I can blog about Lu – she doesn’t read English very well and it’s highly unlikely she would come accross this blog… which gives me a strange sense of being able to be honest without fear of hurting her feelings… and if she does read this, which would not be altogether bad, because she would have to accept this as my thoughts without judging me. As for merits to myself, this blog is priceless – my thoughts seem to aqcuire this strange crystal-like quality when I am forced to express them… a bit depressing that it would take a medium as ineffecient as this one to bring clarity… in a couple of decades self-expression will hopefully dramatically change with written form looking like counting on an abacus…
Anyway, Lu just called. She seems convinced that I am cheating on her. Absolutely convinced. And it’s very considerate of her to say stuff to the tune of “I know you are at some girl’s place, I still want to see you.” but it really is starting to get old. Cause if we are dating openly, then we are dating openly. If we are not, then we are not. I am under the impression that we are not. Yet it seems she wants me to play the game of lying for her sake, which is not something I am interested in doing… at least not until I know the rules to this game, if it is indeed a game.
Just did the cold bucket… sitting in the darkness of my room… typing half-blind… listening to Bach… thinking about her… life seems perfect right now… calm, peaceful. Bach’s at the same time mechanical and alive in an un-pretentious way that needs no excuse. It just is.
In this sanctuary I think I realized why I behave the way I do. She is beautiful… inside and out. Many people are… but, I am looking for affirmation that my love for her is for her self and not for her beauty. That her love for me is for me as a person, not me as a man. Had dinner with Ling today… she said there is a fundamental difference between the Western and Eastern ways of thought. The Easter way is, when you are single, you walk into a forest and you choose a tree. It might not be perfect, but you chose it. And you sit down next to that tree – it’s now yours.
In the West, she said, people walk up to many trees and eventually make a choice… I don’t think so. I think we walk around the forest, we touch trees, we talk to them, and at some point in time, for no reason really whatsoever, we realize that this tree is mine. It might seem the wrong height, the wrong texture, its roots might be going in all sorts of directions, but it’s mine. There is a current underneath the shallow surface – a powerful current that we can not change. My being with Lu might be misconstrued in a myriad of ways… I could be twisted into a selfish monster or a good friend… be that as it may, I am just me. Right now I sit here and I miss her. In a very simple, warm way. Perhaps I am trapped in a maze of my own making: is she the girl I miss? And if she is, will we be able to see each other through the thick veil of discomfort that might descend upon us given our past? It’s strange, I don’t crave her body, I don’t crave her touch… I do crave her mind. And when I don’t get it, I feel empty. Am I wrong to think in this manner?
The constant question that I ask myself is “Am I lying to her?” I don’t want to lie, but I feel that I’ve sheltered her sometimes from some of my thoughts that she would find hurtful. And at once I realize that such a foundation risks spiraling down into destruction, yet I can not bring myself to be completely honest for fear of losing her before I realize that she’s not for me.
I think the best way to explain my approach to relationships is this: I am not looking for a mate to procreate with, I am looking for a best friend who likes me because I am me and not because I happen to be a male. Consequently, I don’t want anybody to like me because I am good looking, because I have no money, or because I used to have a six-pack in high-school (ok, 5-pack… still, I was hot). I want to like (and be liked) simply because we are both cool. The moment one of us veers, the other understands. The moment one hurts, the other compensates for the pain.
Many seem to look at this from a different, far less romantic, angle. For instance, if a partner sleeps with someone else, people start pointing fingers rather than looking to the root of the problem: the situation is so f-ed up that the cheater would rather lie (ultimate pain) than adjust whatever is wrong. Given this logic I am starting to understand why guys cheat. There are two levels of cheating: fun and misery. If a guy is not happy with a girl, he might cheat on her. Then the problem is not only with the guy, but also with the girl. On the other hand, if a guy goes on a cruise and sees a cute gal, wants to fool around – what’s the harm in that so long as everyone is safe? (same goes in the other direction, btw)
I am finding myself in a curious position. I am dating a beautiful… no, a stunning woman. Good heart, a bit twisted in her perception of her surroundings, but I can’t blame her: with her looks and the bitter lack of respect for femininity that seems to permeate a large portion of NYC, I’d probably think the same way. Yet, even though she is perfect on paper, because we are still very distant in many ways and very different, I find myself doubting, wondering…
When we had a major crisis with our relationship, I hung out with a girl I liked and had a lot of respect for. Nothing much: dinner, looked at photos, tapped my inner dork at her request. Romantically nothing happened. But, if she was interested or if I was a bit more alpha-male, should I have said no? At that point it would not have been cheating because the relationship was at an all-time low (if you could call what we had a relationship). And if it happens now, do I lie? No, because that goes against everything I believe in with regard to relationships. Do I cheat and tell? Probably not, because that would hurt the girl I am dating and she would leave. Do I not do anything? Well, then, until my girl becomes my desired mate for life, I feel like I might be missing out. Yet, because I know that the girl would be hurt by such thoughts, I feel guilty simply thinking in this direction. Is this a perpetual dillemma faced by partners these days?
Off-topic: one of the things that struck me as interesting is that I’ve read somewhere that one of the things that may trigger love is “stuff” that is generated by our bodies during an orgasm. With that in mind it can explain why there is a dynamic:
1. Boy meets girl
2. They have sex (eventually). He has an orgasm, she usually doesn’t. She falls in love. He likes her, but less.
3. The rocky relationship begins – he still does not want to commit, she wants to be with him. Eventually things balance out, but not until both go through an ordeal… unless both are honest, which is terribly hard when you know that what you say might be misunderstood for hurtful.
Clarification on the last post: she should date, I should date does not include we should date each other necessarily.
I feel selfish. Like I am making decisions only for myself. And I don’t like it. Not bitching-and-moaning, just telling the truth. Had dinner with her yesterday, talked until late in the evening (overslept today, boss won’t be happy… well, I’ll be working from home until the next bus + they are not paying me enough to scrap my personal life 😛 ). The result is that I feel much calmer. Turns out we were both going nuts on Monday… as usual emotions seem to run in tandem.
I do feel like a case study for the wishy-washy jerk. At some point in the evening, there was a line “So you are asking me to be your girlfriend but want to date other girls?” complemented with an “Are you nuts?” look. How we managed to get to that sentence, don’t ask, but somehow it actually did flow from what was said previously. Smooth transition.
Well, in a way that is what I was asking for indirectly – an open relationship when we could date other people. Though ended up asking about that in a very indirect way, which makes sense: there is no way I could go straight to it cause I know how she feels about dating several people at the same time: “let me think… uhm… how about never?”
And I understand. I do think it’s a bit counterproductive to relationships, but I do love her and sacrificing dating (the purpose of which would be to make sure I am with the right person) is not really that big of a thing so long as I don’t develop a bad case of the upgrade syndrome. Which I don’t think will be the case given the nature of our relationship… at least if we don’t move too fast.
Anyway, given that I am out of commission for the time being on the physical romantic level, I think may be relaxed dating might be good. She moved out, I am calmer, our emotions evolved. Either that, or taking some time so that we could both date other people and then get back together if we still want to.
Hmm… something about all this is making me uneasy… perhaps it’s the fact that I am blogging about my personal life to whoever cares to read while I really should be working?