Monthly Archives: May 2005

Musings: Liberty vs. Safety…

I’ve suggested this before… the consequences, in case of abuse, are mind-staggering. But, on the other hand, would prevention of a single murder/rape/severe beating of an innocent not enough reason to be completely behind this program, while being extra careful in preventing abuse of the system?

Another way to combat this is to make sure all people (girls especially) should be profecient in self-defense by the time they reach maturity. In fact, I really gotta wonder why this is not part of the public-school curriculum.

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Dreams: Birthday and Mafia, Geek Chair.

Please hold while I drool…

Sneaking into places kicks ass.

Was so exausted yesteday that passed out around 10pm. Emotionally, physically exausted. Woke up at 4:30 am. Thought I’d do some work, but crashed an hour later… to see an awesome dream.

The dream – Birthday and Mafia
Continue reading

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Diary: Lucid Dreaming

Something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I remember how, when I was younger, I experimented with forced visualization. For instance, I would imagine a flower turning into a dragon and flying away. Not lucid dreaming, but conscious attempts to augment reality… perhaps not even augment , but to enhance. For instance, cousinly photographic memory with these techniques could give one some very interesting capabilities.

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Diary: suspended animation…

It’s been ages since I’ve updated this thing… sorry sorry, but no time… not that I am getting anything done, but just no time to do the updates.

Recently read about possibly putting humans into hibernation (Scientific American – June 2005) – basically the idea is that it seems that metabolism of Oxygen is what is driving us. So if we either take away Oxygen and/or replace it with something that has the same structure but different chemical properties (CO2), then the mammal can actually be placed into a hybernation state. The reason we don’t enter into this state if, say, we are thrown into water, seems because between not having O2 and having lots of it, there is a dangerous area of not having enough with metabolism still being high, which basically kills the system. So, under proper conditions, it is possible to use several methods to slow down metabolism (and turn warm-blooded into cold-blooded revivable vegetables) for both entire bodies and body parts. Moreover, it has already been done to dogs and pigs, leading to believe that there isn’t anything that should really stand in the way of inducing hibernation in humans.

Yes… indeed… other than that, recently found out that there are 5 level 3 sex offenders in the area. All girls should know self-defense dammit (and spit venom upon request or, next best thing, have pepper spray on hand). The really disturbing thing is that:

a) I live in a really nice neighborhood
b) the victims were all under 18


Anyway… this is why there should be a completely open constant monitoring system such that if something is committed everit does not go unpunished. Yes, the system must be built carefully to Prevent assure, but I am willing to take that chance if it means that there will be no more rape or murder…

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Event: Omulu Batizado

Going to Omulu’s Batizado –

Sunday 05.22 at 3PM
PS3 – Auditorium
490 Hudson Street btwn Christopher & Grove

It’s gonna be so good. Checked out their workshop on Thursday – good stuff. Might post some notes on it when I have time. New things learned:

Macaco can be taught by placing the hand perpendicular to the movement of the body (rather than pivoting during the movement)

Walkover and coming out looking forward – AU with outer hand facing in, reach for it with the leading leg

fake MLC, at the highest point of the kick, kick back into the bridge, switch hands, come out

Helicopter – start AU, then do MLC upside down, landing with the leg that lead the AU. i.e. if doing AU to the left, MLF upside-down with the right leg, step with the left. Didn’t get it yet :\

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Diary: the mouse…

The more I think about it, the more guilty I feel about not saving the mouse yesterday. I even throw spiders outside instead of killing them and I didn’t save a warm blooded animal. I guess there are actions that all are ashamed of and that no matter what we do, we feel like we simply can’t make things right regardless how much we wanted it all for the better. Me?

– killing the mouse
– killing the bird that I was trying to save by my dumb ass deciding to wash away the grime and then leaving somewhere (don’t remember where)
– hurting Kat
– attempting to hide behind a guy’s back when I was a kid

Why am I posting these here? I don’t know… perhaps because not posting it would be the weak way out. Or perhaps by airing it, I somehow absolve myself at least of some responsibility for my actions.

And I am feeling like shit over a mouse… may be this is why people ignore atrocities. Because if they face them, they have to acknowledge that they have caused so much suffering…

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Diary: a mouse vs. the mouse…

Excerpt from an e-mail to someone:

Hey! Sorry I didn’t pick up the phone – was asleep and the ringer was off. Saw that you called only when, get this, I heard Mary and Alex yelling back and forth about something. Turned out a mouse made it through the pipes and into our bathroom, but was unable to get out. Mary, on her bed, crowded into the corner, on the phone, was trying to find consolation in her friend Kyle (while David(her bf) and I were trying to figure out what to do with it), who suggested to “just flush it”. David wanted to drown it with a plunger. David (or was it Mary?) suggested to use a hammer to kill it. Alex jumped about a meter high when I slid the aforementioned hammer I brought out (wasn’t used – would have been funny though as the most likely result would be a shattered toilet and broken windows due to Mary’s screaming while the sucker would run around the apartment.

Instead, what ended up happening was the mouse drowned… I felt like a freaking monster (though substitute the word “rodent” or “rat” above, and the outlook changes just a bit).

Oh man… I want to cry now… just remembered the “Steel mousetrap”… Continue reading

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Diary: a strange experience…

So, went to sleep at 3 am. Woke up at 7:30, went to work, hopped on the bus at 12:25 and slept until around 1:30. Now I am sure you are all on the edges of your seat reading this log of events, but something happened at 1:30 that that timing very importnant – I had a very interesting mental experience. When I woke up, I could easily imagine with great ease and detail a human figure of a girl (clothed!!!) and I could get her to do anything I wanted. The amazing thing is that, usually, my thoughts are very discrete and incoherent. For instance, if I wanted to imagine someone walking I would see something like:

1) snippet of a walk – motion or skipping frames
2) backtrack, do again from half way,
3) skip over forward
4) back again

It’s a sporadic conceptual process, where what I had today was a sort of photographic memory on crack. The motion was completely smooth, the features were seen all at once INCLUDING the surroundings, and I had complete freedom in what she did. Why a she? Perhaps because of my obsession with the female body…

Aside: someone I spoke to at one time mentioned that when she fantasizes, she thinks of what she looks like and what is done to her, rather than about him. Yet when I fantasize, I think of what the girl looks like, rather than what I look like in the particular context. So could the fact that it is easier for me to imagine a female body in motion (fully clothed – in the excercise above, there was nothing sexual) be explained by it being easier for the brain to visualize the female concept rather than male?

OK, back on track. So I was able to visualize in incredible detail a complete scene – something I am usually unable to do. What enabled me to do this? Recent excercises with memory? Diet? Dispursed sleeping pattern? Or perhaps a date I went on recently? Wouldn’t call any of them far-fetched…

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Diary: a spoonfull of sugar… or borsch…

Saw the Dian Arbus exhibition at the MET. Now I did go to sleep at 6am the night prior, so I may have been a bit dulled down, but, be that as it may, it felt like something was missing. Something strange about her work leading me to like the exerpts from her diary more than the photography. And then I finally realized – to me, in most of her work, there was missing an element of beauty and humor that I enjoy so much. It was as if she made a documentary – a very skillful and truthful documentary, but one that is at the same time bitter and sometimes painful to watch. Though this might be due to my being part of a consumerist society that has concentrated on refining the art of shocking… but Avedon was from the same time period and his work seems much more poignant and beautiful… Still, perhaps I just lack the ability to perceive her work much like I can’t fully appreciate complex jazz any more than I can sophisticated mathematics…

Something else happened that day. I have had to face yet again my social quirks. Sometimes hanging out is easy, effortless… And sometimes, something that has been happening on a fairly recurring basis: sitting next to someone feeling grossly inadequate unable to say anything to establish rapport. And a few years ago I would say “Well, you are just too different”. But then, while it could have been the case – different cutlures, different books, etc. we didn’t know each other enough – there was some other cause. One possibility is perhaps that I, with my inferiority complex and sex drive humbled myself into a corner. That along with misinterpretations of my actions could have led to distance. Another possibility is that due to not seeing each other for a long time, we both chose roles for ourselves and each other. And when neither one of us played the part, we were as comfortable as cats trying to run in a wheel made for a gerbil.

Though what really burns me is the amount of discomfort this seems to have caused. No matter how different people are, no matter how disappointed – after just meeting someone it really shouldn’t be so frustrating. Yet it was despite us both being mature adults.

Having said that, it was very refreshing to know what she thought even if it wasn’t flattering. What’s more surprising is that after the argument, I felt like rapport was finally established and good will restored… albeit it was as she was leaving, but still.

Morals of the story:

– I have trouble reading people. What I perceive as semi-comfortable may, in fact, be a crossed border
– letting things drag out when there’s no rapport only makes it worse
– fighting reveals common ground
– being truthful, even if it’s not nice, is for the better

Yet, if you are walking with someone who isn’t feeling very good, isn’t smiling, and the communication isn’t happening, how can one establish rapport without being insensitive or disrespectful? Provided it is actually can be established.

And I just realized something – I don’t know what drives her, what she finds interesting… moreover, I feel like I’ve forgotten those things that she has mentioned – perhaps a defensive reaction by my mind?

Feels like pieces of the puzzle are still missing, and with them it might be so simple. If only everyone blogged.

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Diary: moving on in the world…

No gym… no women… no books… a man can go insane!!! Ooof… in any case…

Update: (aka is coming along nicely – soon will have a front page and hopefully some flyers and business cards to boot. If anyone gots names I would be greatful.

Sample site:

So the idea is to create a site that would provide venues with an ability to have a monthly payment for a site that consists only of those things that they need. Looking for people to market it, so if you’re interested, let me know. The web-app has reached a state when it will hopefully satisfy the initial bout of customers, but will place requirements onto the platform for modifications (woohaa…). Next version of Target shall be driven by eVenue… blah…

Need sleep… Utro vechera mudrenee…

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