Diary: a public confession/apology…

I have a confession to make. Sometimes I don’t like some people. I do like them on some level, and I wish them the very best, but at the same time I can not help it, but on an intuitive level they make me uncomfortable, angry, even bitter. And I can not help it. And they do not deserve it – some of them have been nothing but good to me. And, on occasion I even want to see them and make sure that they are ok, but at the same time, something inside me turns and demands distance. Different people, different distances, different demands, but this I can not help. And the more I hide those things inside, the more I try to live up to my own expectation of what it means to be a respectable individual, the more I turn into a bitter hypocrite mistreating those around me. Today I told someone who has been nothing but helpful that I do not want them to stay when they visit me. Was it necessary? I could have wrapped it in a white lie, I could have welcomed them upon their arrival, but instead I openly said that I would be uncomfortable.

And it would be fine if I left it at that, but one must wonder whether I exacerbated the situation by profusely apologizing…

With every day that passes, I discover more and more that my social skills are grossly inadequate and find justification for why some people find my manner of argument offensive despite my best intentions.

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